Still so raw!

I did not realize how raw I still am until now, I have been around babies etc. and had never experience some kind of panic attack as I did this morning. I thought it would be easier going to my friends husband's baby shower at work with him being male than what it would have been with hers. But the minute I stepped into that room I just could not breath seeing all those baby décor, little gift etc. it dawned on me that I am back to being a mother with empty arms and womb. It is exactly 4 days to when my due date would have been and I'm am overwhelmed with anxiety and mixed emotions. It really hurts and yes I'm ok at times but there are moments that the emptiness is just so overwhelming my eyes tear up. But I pray for strength during this period where our lives could have been so much different with two little angels on earth. RIP Zachary and Zoe mommy and daddy will never forget you!

Anytime from now!

Where do I start? This month is becoming more unbearable not because we not coping but because we could have been proud parent anytime from now. I still cant believe something that we have longed for all these years is no longer there. How do we celebrate Christmas when we would have been a family of 4 at Christmas. I feel I can cry my eye balls out but that is not going to bring our kids back. I cant explain this intense aching feeling I have that just wont go away. We try and remain positive but as stated previously its not that we not coping it's the anytime from now feeling. I walk around with a smile on the outside but if you could only see my inside, you would grasp my pain and heartache. Empty arms sure is a heavy load to carry, and even heavier when you had two little angels missing when you being wheeled out the hospital door with no babies watching everyone else leaving with theirs. I read a status from yearning hearts and it got me agreeing fully the whole facebook has now all of a sudden lit up with baby talks all over, at times I honestly feel some are just out their to rub it in ones face. But we can only remain to trust in God that he knew why and that it might not be the right time just yet.

"Do you know dad's hurt too?"

It's drawing closer and closer and my heart become heavier and heavier. In just a month they would have been born healthy as any other twin boy and girl. I find myself looking on at others who are giving birth around my time and it sure does hurt. I'm not angry or have any hatred on how God has set out our lives as a couple. I chose to be strong in this journey of kids in heaven and not on earth...but one still have that longing. My concerns are more based on how long I will wait this time around, and no I do not have a lack of faith I'm only human and I do ponder. Myself and hubby had a conversation over the weekend while catching up on our week past, he then suddenly blurts out "Do you know dad's hurt too?" My heart sunk as a rush of guilt overwhelmed me, was I being strong enough to allow him to have his grieving moments? I never realized that even underneath his great sense of faith, trusting and believing in God's promised word, that he might be feeling just as I do. But need to constantly show me his strength as a husband. I have been strong but his love for me runs so deep that even though I show him my strength he still cant let his guard down just incase. I thank God for a husband that has been so patient throughout this journey of infertility and twin loss, "We in this together" is his constant reminder to me and I find great comfort in those words.This brings me to the overwhelming joy that he would have been and will be a great DAD.

 

Value of Life!

Our experience through out our married life as a couple has really taught us the value of life. We have come to realize after battling to conceive for many years, then finally conceiving to loosing the twins when we were so close to full term that life is precious. That we need to really appreciate what we have in life and every minute that God has granted us grace. We can all be here today and gone tomorrow, life is just not guaranteed. We need to stop walking around with resentment, issues, heavy hearted and just appreciate and let the small things go. We need to move on and let life take it course, we need to set people free and carry on doing good. The list goes on and on about how we need to be living each day as if it's our last. We also need to appreciate those awesome people we have in our life, those that give us a helping hand those that allow us to be a part of their lives. Life is to short for regrets, you only have one life so make it worth viewing for others looking on.

Martha Munizzi - What he's done

If you feeling today that all hope is lost, I want to tell you that God has this amazing love for us. That no matter what doctors are saying no matter how impossible your circumstance may seem I want to tell you that what his done for me he can do for you. Doctors said I would never conceive but God said nope that is not your call to make. I eventually conceived as written in my blog and yes I have since lost Zachary and Zoe at 6 months but God has even allowed me peace that passes all understanding and he can do the same for you. He can calm every storm in your life today if you only allow him that opportunity to show that amazing love!
 

National Pregnancy/Infant Loss!

So today marks NATIONAL awareness day for  those who has had stillborn, miscarriage and even infant child loss. I have so much mixed emotions on how to feel thinking that we would have just had one month to go before we could have met you Zachary and Zoe without any health complications. But God knew what's best and as many unanswered questions that we might have we need to remain faithful and strong in knowing he know the plans he have for us, plans of no harm but of prosperity. I want to encourage those reading my blog today that even if you might be feeling there is no light at the end of the tunnel and you feel God has left you behind. He is preparing something better and a bigger blessing for you. I would like to encourage you with the story of Hannah, she was a woman in the bible who was childless but not prayerless. Her name means grace/favor and was also one of the few woman in the bible who haven't been negatively portrayed...just to briefly share her back ground. She was married to a husband who chose another wife due to her baroness, but he still showed favor to her blessing her more than his wife that gave him the thing he wanted the most. With this said God does not take his favor away from us but he does allow us pain and suffering, in his word it says to whom much is give much is required. Hannah prayed and cried all the time and amidst her yearning, mocking from her husbands second wife she remained self controlled and had a unconditional prayer life. Hannah was so deep in sorrow she stopped eating, and was at the temple praying for most of the time, but let me encourage you that todays sorrow is the seeds of which tomorrows song will evolve. Eventually Hannah did conceive a son name Samuel and Hannah was restored. So no matter how gloomy things might look right now in your life, be like a Hannah that no matter what she went through her prayer life was not hindered and God deemed her faithful and she bore a son.

First few days!

So my first day back was kind of ok...after I burst out in tears as I set foot into the office building. All i could think of was the last time I left this building I never came back not feeling well and not realising I was actually in pre term labour. So yes it was overwhelming at first but I thank God for good friends and a great boss. I arrived with a welcome goodie bag of treats from a friend as well as another taking me to breakfast amongst the other family and friends who all mailed called tx to find out how my day was going and just giving words of encouragement. My great boss allowed me to ease into things working at my own time and pace up to and including this week. So things have become a bit better each day. I must however admit I sit at my desk most of the time to scared to even use the bathroom in fear of bumping into people with loads of questions and not forgetting those who are walking around with their visible preggie bellies. But I'm building courage each day as I become bolder and more stronger emotionally and physically. I am however for some reason having a super off day but once again great friends family and those I work with are with me every step of the way. Myself and hubby thank God daily for those people who are with us every step of they way with most if not all being with us from the very beginning of our pregnancy throughout and are still around! 

Back to normality!

So in just a day I will be back at work. The thought of normality is comforting as this would have my mind stop wondering what If's and if only 's. However there are quit a bit of uneasy or rather anxious feelings, knowing I will be walking into an office full of pregnant ladies one being round about the same where I would or should have been. I also don't have the energy and strength for talks.All I want is to get to my desk and stick those earphones in! But what are the chances some people are just not going to have the sense of maturity and realise all I need is space. Or they will simply feel offended when I don't respond or keep small talk about my hellish experience. I pray for strength and boldness to get back to work with peace that shows on my face as well as in my heart.

Heavy Hearted!

Where do I start on how I feel today,  everything seems kind of ok most of the time...but then reality checks in. Everyone who I use to have baby talk with are all on track for delivery one today, one Thursday some due soon another around my due date. I look on facebook, Whatsapp and everyone is all up in ones face with their babies, my kids this my kids that and all I want to do it scream CAN YOU STOP ALREADY!!!!! Now you might say allow them their happiness. This has nothing to do with me not allowing them to be happy or enjoy motherhood,  but can you give peeps like me a break already. For some reason my heart has been feeling so heavy...don't ask why, cause I thought I was getting along well. But the closer I get to my due date the more heavy my heart becomes. Zachary and Zoe this festive season will just not be what I expected without you. Looking forward to Christmas where you would have been the best Christmas present ever has become nothing but wanting time to stand still instead.

One month!

Today marks one month since our world fell apart when I gave birth a 6 months to our two miracles doctors even didn't expect to ever happen. We had so much questions that day but God is not a God to be questioned he is a God to be trusted. Yes it hurts and aches unbearably but we pray for peace that passes all understanding.  Mom and Dad love you lil Prince and Princess we know you having so much fun up in heaven awaiting our arrival one day!

Do you have time?

So I constantly get the question...How are you keeping up? Are you ok? Well my immediate response would be do you have time to listen, dont really feel like talking though, but then my thought process would be not to off load and sound like a pity party. I try and get by day by day but it's tough when my flat stomach and legs that are still not functioning 100% is still a reminder of August 18th. It hurts and the emptiness is over bearing but I try and stay strong. I want others to be encouraged by my strength and faith and allow them to also want to stay strong and keep the faith when their wombs and arms are empty. 

Pretence!

Feeling a bit down today pretending to the world all is ok. I then open the windows for some fresh air and the neighbours whistling to a oh so ironic song, caught my attention 'Smile though your heart is aching, Smile even though breaking...' and I really try and keep my chin up but it's just so hard. One moment I'm ok the next I'm not all trigger related. I have however since kind of have a glimpse of why me through all of this. I had people I would have never imagine going through a similar situation than me. And that is what my purpose to this blog is that it will bring some sort of comfort and encouragement to those silently living in the world of an empty womb! It ok to talk about it and to let all your feelings out. You will realise there are many like us out there. I have received a great sense of purpose in all this earlier this week...had a youth friend friend break her silence of 3 miscarriages. She mentioned that she has been following my story and have gained so much in site and faith restoration in my courage to speak out. She have since started her own blog and even own facebook page. Well Done dear friend...Well Done!

What I missed!

I have this constant replay in my head of what I possibly missed that could have saved the twins.It aches thinking that i missed the warning signs even if I was a first time mom not really knowing what to look out for.I almost have this intense guilt looking back at what I should have paid more attention to what I should or shouldn't have done. I sit here today with a lot of thoughts running through the events building up to my hospitalisation and ask God to bring me peace that whatever is set out is set out no preventing God's ordained plan!

Baby Showers!!

So my journey begins once again where I go to everyone's baby showers accept my own...In just a few hours I will be attending another friend's baby shower. And boy oh boy I'm so not ready, but need to do this. She has been avoiding me these past 3 weeks out of respect, even staying out of church thinking I would be there...but just didn't have the strength for so many people just yet. All we spoke about was what the little ones was up to in our wombs nearly daily. You may ask then why go...as explained to my husband Pastor Dean this is something I need to do for her...she feels guilty for still carrying her bundle of joy after iv just lots my little angels. She is not even sure on how to act,react or even be herself around me as she explains via tx. So as a Pastor's wife yes it hurts but I want to show her that it ok to be happy for her blessing around me, it's ok to enjoy the experience of being a preggie mom again. I'll be fine or so I think but I must admit I'm a bit unsettled on what exactly will happen later. Will I keep it up? Fall apart and just make matters worse for her? Only time will tell and that time is in just a few hours. Lord give me strength and boldness to make her at ease that it will all be OK for both of us!

Nearly didn't see this birthday!

Firstly I need to thank God for granting me another birthday. Two weeks ago I nearly didn't see another year added to my life...yet how do I celebrate my life when I lost two little lives 2 weeks ago? I know they watching down on me wishing they could wish, hug, kiss and just make my day extra special...or so I believe! 31 years of great blessing loss heartache joy and celebrations...trusting that my next birthday would be as a mother NOT with empty arms but with two little giggles looking right at me!

Our great loss!

Where do I start? So much emotions, anger, questions of what If's why's etc. People will never understand the pain, sorrow, heartache that one feels loosing both your babies not one but TWO...a double blow!!! 18th of August 2014 will be a permanent mark on our calender. This was the day we had to sadly deliver our twin Prince and Princess with no sign of life. 4.5 years of waiting and praying and this is what the end result was??? Why us and most why me? The heartache is unbearable...even though it was a choice of either them or me after spending just over a week in hospital before doctors gave the ultimate choice of either or. They had all 10 ten toes and fingers hair lines were showing they were just so fully developed. The boy came out at 5:45am followed by the girl at 8am after just over 8 hours of labour who would have thought the choice of birth I always said I didn't want (normal birth) was the way I said my final goodbyes. Laying there waiting for them to be stillborn was the longest and most heart renching experience ever. I would not want anyone experience this pain and suffering. I still have so many unanswered questions as to what went wrong, even though the past 6 months was an uphill battle just keeping them in they were always in perfect healthy and growing beyond doctors expectations of twin babies. Who would have thought that the daily request asked from them while in my womb to stay strong and healthy until they meant to come would be my ultimate issue...With a BP of 159 Pulse of 138 and Fever of 47 how could they have remained strong and healthy? But hubby even in his own pain and sorrow of our loss reminds me daily that it's not our call but God's.

His been Faithful!

This morning I woud like to encourage someone out there that may be feeling down and out. Your faith may be wearing thin, but do not give up and be encouraged by the words of this song. That no matter how dark of a tunnel you might be in, no matter how much you feel you have dissappointed God with your constant questioning and doubt in his power and love, I want to remind you that God will always be faithful to you so you need to be faithful in return. There was a time in my life that I had this exact feelings and emotions as per the lyrics...but looking back all I now see his love and mercy he has given us as a couple...BE BLESSED AND DONT GIVE UP! Verse 1 In my moments of Fear Through Every Pain Every Tear There's A God Who's Been Faithful To Me When My Strength Was All Gone When My Heart Had No Song Still In Love He's Proved Faithful To Me Every Word He's Promised Is True What I Thought Was Impossible I See My God Do Chorus He's Been Faithful, Faithful To Me Looking Back, His Love And Mercy I See Though In My Heart I Have Questioned even Failed To Believe He's Been Faithful, Faithful To Me Verse 2 When My Heart Looked Away The Many Times I Could Not Pray Still My God- He Was Faithful To Me The Days I Spent So Selfishly Reaching Out For What Pleased Me even Then God Was Faithful To Me Every Time I Come Back To Him He Is Waiting with Open Arms And I See Once Again

Im back!

It feels like forever, I have been battling to retrieve my password for months. I have finally managed to get it sorted. Well guys after all the trouble God has blessed myself and my husband double! Yip we are expecting our 2 bundle of joys December 2014. I am currently 9 weeks along and it has not been an easy road thus far. But God never gives us more than we can bare. So after all the questions and anger God has showed that he does not leave us nor forsake us. We need to remain faithful and because myself and my husband started a ministry by blessing others and remaining humble God has in return blessed us. We are super excited for what lies ahead and it is all honour and glory to God.