Anytime from now!

Where do I start? This month is becoming more unbearable not because we not coping but because we could have been proud parent anytime from now. I still cant believe something that we have longed for all these years is no longer there. How do we celebrate Christmas when we would have been a family of 4 at Christmas. I feel I can cry my eye balls out but that is not going to bring our kids back. I cant explain this intense aching feeling I have that just wont go away. We try and remain positive but as stated previously its not that we not coping it's the anytime from now feeling. I walk around with a smile on the outside but if you could only see my inside, you would grasp my pain and heartache. Empty arms sure is a heavy load to carry, and even heavier when you had two little angels missing when you being wheeled out the hospital door with no babies watching everyone else leaving with theirs. I read a status from yearning hearts and it got me agreeing fully the whole facebook has now all of a sudden lit up with baby talks all over, at times I honestly feel some are just out their to rub it in ones face. But we can only remain to trust in God that he knew why and that it might not be the right time just yet.

"Do you know dad's hurt too?"

It's drawing closer and closer and my heart become heavier and heavier. In just a month they would have been born healthy as any other twin boy and girl. I find myself looking on at others who are giving birth around my time and it sure does hurt. I'm not angry or have any hatred on how God has set out our lives as a couple. I chose to be strong in this journey of kids in heaven and not on earth...but one still have that longing. My concerns are more based on how long I will wait this time around, and no I do not have a lack of faith I'm only human and I do ponder. Myself and hubby had a conversation over the weekend while catching up on our week past, he then suddenly blurts out "Do you know dad's hurt too?" My heart sunk as a rush of guilt overwhelmed me, was I being strong enough to allow him to have his grieving moments? I never realized that even underneath his great sense of faith, trusting and believing in God's promised word, that he might be feeling just as I do. But need to constantly show me his strength as a husband. I have been strong but his love for me runs so deep that even though I show him my strength he still cant let his guard down just incase. I thank God for a husband that has been so patient throughout this journey of infertility and twin loss, "We in this together" is his constant reminder to me and I find great comfort in those words.This brings me to the overwhelming joy that he would have been and will be a great DAD.