Back to normality!

So in just a day I will be back at work. The thought of normality is comforting as this would have my mind stop wondering what If's and if only 's. However there are quit a bit of uneasy or rather anxious feelings, knowing I will be walking into an office full of pregnant ladies one being round about the same where I would or should have been. I also don't have the energy and strength for talks.All I want is to get to my desk and stick those earphones in! But what are the chances some people are just not going to have the sense of maturity and realise all I need is space. Or they will simply feel offended when I don't respond or keep small talk about my hellish experience. I pray for strength and boldness to get back to work with peace that shows on my face as well as in my heart.

Heavy Hearted!

Where do I start on how I feel today,  everything seems kind of ok most of the time...but then reality checks in. Everyone who I use to have baby talk with are all on track for delivery one today, one Thursday some due soon another around my due date. I look on facebook, Whatsapp and everyone is all up in ones face with their babies, my kids this my kids that and all I want to do it scream CAN YOU STOP ALREADY!!!!! Now you might say allow them their happiness. This has nothing to do with me not allowing them to be happy or enjoy motherhood,  but can you give peeps like me a break already. For some reason my heart has been feeling so heavy...don't ask why, cause I thought I was getting along well. But the closer I get to my due date the more heavy my heart becomes. Zachary and Zoe this festive season will just not be what I expected without you. Looking forward to Christmas where you would have been the best Christmas present ever has become nothing but wanting time to stand still instead.

One month!

Today marks one month since our world fell apart when I gave birth a 6 months to our two miracles doctors even didn't expect to ever happen. We had so much questions that day but God is not a God to be questioned he is a God to be trusted. Yes it hurts and aches unbearably but we pray for peace that passes all understanding.  Mom and Dad love you lil Prince and Princess we know you having so much fun up in heaven awaiting our arrival one day!

Do you have time?

So I constantly get the question...How are you keeping up? Are you ok? Well my immediate response would be do you have time to listen, dont really feel like talking though, but then my thought process would be not to off load and sound like a pity party. I try and get by day by day but it's tough when my flat stomach and legs that are still not functioning 100% is still a reminder of August 18th. It hurts and the emptiness is over bearing but I try and stay strong. I want others to be encouraged by my strength and faith and allow them to also want to stay strong and keep the faith when their wombs and arms are empty. 

Pretence!

Feeling a bit down today pretending to the world all is ok. I then open the windows for some fresh air and the neighbours whistling to a oh so ironic song, caught my attention 'Smile though your heart is aching, Smile even though breaking...' and I really try and keep my chin up but it's just so hard. One moment I'm ok the next I'm not all trigger related. I have however since kind of have a glimpse of why me through all of this. I had people I would have never imagine going through a similar situation than me. And that is what my purpose to this blog is that it will bring some sort of comfort and encouragement to those silently living in the world of an empty womb! It ok to talk about it and to let all your feelings out. You will realise there are many like us out there. I have received a great sense of purpose in all this earlier this week...had a youth friend friend break her silence of 3 miscarriages. She mentioned that she has been following my story and have gained so much in site and faith restoration in my courage to speak out. She have since started her own blog and even own facebook page. Well Done dear friend...Well Done!

What I missed!

I have this constant replay in my head of what I possibly missed that could have saved the twins.It aches thinking that i missed the warning signs even if I was a first time mom not really knowing what to look out for.I almost have this intense guilt looking back at what I should have paid more attention to what I should or shouldn't have done. I sit here today with a lot of thoughts running through the events building up to my hospitalisation and ask God to bring me peace that whatever is set out is set out no preventing God's ordained plan!

Baby Showers!!

So my journey begins once again where I go to everyone's baby showers accept my own...In just a few hours I will be attending another friend's baby shower. And boy oh boy I'm so not ready, but need to do this. She has been avoiding me these past 3 weeks out of respect, even staying out of church thinking I would be there...but just didn't have the strength for so many people just yet. All we spoke about was what the little ones was up to in our wombs nearly daily. You may ask then why go...as explained to my husband Pastor Dean this is something I need to do for her...she feels guilty for still carrying her bundle of joy after iv just lots my little angels. She is not even sure on how to act,react or even be herself around me as she explains via tx. So as a Pastor's wife yes it hurts but I want to show her that it ok to be happy for her blessing around me, it's ok to enjoy the experience of being a preggie mom again. I'll be fine or so I think but I must admit I'm a bit unsettled on what exactly will happen later. Will I keep it up? Fall apart and just make matters worse for her? Only time will tell and that time is in just a few hours. Lord give me strength and boldness to make her at ease that it will all be OK for both of us!

Nearly didn't see this birthday!

Firstly I need to thank God for granting me another birthday. Two weeks ago I nearly didn't see another year added to my life...yet how do I celebrate my life when I lost two little lives 2 weeks ago? I know they watching down on me wishing they could wish, hug, kiss and just make my day extra special...or so I believe! 31 years of great blessing loss heartache joy and celebrations...trusting that my next birthday would be as a mother NOT with empty arms but with two little giggles looking right at me!