Hello All!

It’s been a long time I know…went through a bit of a dark season but I will not let the devil get me under. For God’s time is not our time, he knows what’s best. I had such an eye opener this week. ……while driving on my way to work in this wet/cold weather, I noticed a vagrant tidying up his little ‘’stoep’’ area that he probably would have slept on for the night. He dusted his blankets, wiped off his shoes etc…it then dawned on me the value he has for the bare minimal he owned and acceptance of his current situation. I then realized that we at times who are fortunate enough are just not content with what we have at times, always wanting and thinking we deserve more than what God has given us thus far. I began to weep as I drove to work, just thanking God for what I had and that I may be content with what he feels I need right now…and if it’s NOT CONCEIVING just yet then so be it…Let us be thankful even though God has not given us what we truly desire…God’s time is not ours and no matter how many time we stand on our heads he will not rush his time for our sake!!!

Staying Strong!

So I get a cup of tea in the kitchen….and I again have to hear of another pregnancy. I had this overwhelming feeling over me and just tried and be polite. But I sit here trying not to ponder too much and stay strong…my eyes tell another story though filled with tears just about to run down my cheeks when I blink I try and hold on to my faith that the joy and excitement will be me one day. I have so much to say about how I feel just right about now but I would love to try and focus on the positive things in life I do not lack, but this remains a painful experience!

Yet Another!

Once again another person pregnant in the place I spent most of time ‘WORK’. I feel kind of sad as yet another person that is not as over the moon as I would be gets the opportunity of motherhood. Let me be honest I feel like crying, screaming it aches just so much. I had the opportunity to sit in church with my friends baby last night and just seeing my husband playing with her made me so sad. I really thank God that he has given me such an amazing supporting husband who still loves me just as I am no matter how much he also wants his own. God has made a promise and I am keeping him to that…But reality checks in that Mother’s Day will soon arrive and I don’t think I would be able to pretend that I’m fine when there would be such a big fuss everywhere you go that day!

Off Day!

So I’m really trying to keep it together today. I’m having one of those super off days. Another one pregnant another baby shower invite on its way…It hurts just thinking that the thing I long for the most is just not making its arrival. All I want to do is cry and just release some sadness and disappointment of another negative pregnancy test. I spoke to my friend and she asked how I was doing…and I almost needed to bite on my tongue not to have her feel bad about the fact that she is finally pregnant. But guess our time will come maybe this is the time that we need to realign ourselves for when our blessing does come!

Mixed Emotions!

So I get a text from a friend, one could hear that she was just not sure on how to tell me, that her pregnancy test is positive. One would have thought that I would be over the moon for them...after all they were also trying to conceive for 4.5 years. What's wrong with me why can’t I just be happy for them? She has since made an appointment at the doc today just to confirm that all is above board, so I'm awaiting her response tense as ever today...(FAITH BEFORE UNDERSTANDING) is what someone mentioned to me last week and that’s what keep me going!

Bumps all over!

So I decide to have some me time this weekend and much to my dismay it became one big nightmare. Everywhere I went there were ladies with bumps...young,old even some teens…what’s wrong with this world stop making babies already, until it’s my time at least :-( but I guess reality is that I would never be able to run away from that! I am stuck in a world of so many fertile females some over whelmed by their blessing God has given them while others are totally annoyed by the “mistake’’ as they would refer it to…But guess what be grateful you are able to life into this world even if unplanned!

Faith wearing thin at times :-(

This is going to be one hard week…Had a total melt down this weekend; things are just spirally out of control. My obsession has made life difficult for my husband. But he simply Will never feel what I feel, a woman is meant to bare children bring life and I’m currently not fulfilling that part in my life. At times I find myself weeping and feeling empty. I at times I question if this is normal? I need to be strong in my faith depending on God’s promise, but I’m human after all as well, so many questions but God refers me to his word ‘seek first the kingdom and all will be added’… I pray that God strengthen me as I simply feel weak emotionally.

From a high to a low!

So I woke up this morning more refreshed than yesterday, wanting take life head on. But once again all I had to do was get into a lift up to my office floor and hear about mothers and the little ones…if only I could scream. Life has become really tough with babies popping like mushroom around me. The sad part is that some woman have gone through the same fertility treatment as I have and have since found out that they are pregnant…I stop and question when me then? I have gone through nothing different than them…and all I hear in the back of my head is my husband’s voice saying “ALL IN GODS TIME NOT OURS” hang in there!

Could not get out of the building sooner!

So my working day is drawing to a close and this could not have come sooner. I am faced with pregnant fairies all around me everywhere I go I am bound to walk into them. Let’s hope tomorrow is better!!

New at this!

WoW! I have wanted to do this for the past 3years and still very new at this. I’m a 29year old married for nearly 4years and have been trying to conceive for just as long. And the way I feel today has brought me to the point of I just need to off load, not that my husband don’t allow for that! It just seems easier to have my thoughts out there and not burden my husband who is having just such a tough time with our inability to conceive…So here is to loads more blogging and interaction with those out there that is going through the same emotional rollercoaster as me L