Heart Wrenching Question

So Zarah started school this year, we were super excited that the day has finally arrived. A day that we prayed and longed for, for many years. But we werent quite ready for the heart wrenching question that would eventually follow. She has now became aware that her peers in her class either have older or younger siblings. I was totally caught off guard when she posed the question of when she will be getting her sibling, why she doesnt have living siblings (yes she is fully aware of Zachary and Zoe in heaven). I tried explaining but our infertility and preganncy journey is so complexed for her to understand, that I eventually just answered with a blunt we will try. She looked all confused but I left it at that hoping the questions would subside. But as more and more friends and family now start having their second child the more she started probing. As a mother I almost feel so guity at times that she is the only child, I try to remind myself of a colleague of mine who is the only child saying "I was the only child and turned out fine". I continue to pray that God will guide us and lead us into the right words so that we are able to explain to her in an simplistic way one day. I thought I was ok, but until the questions started and of late I have been yearning out of the blue for another child. But after tryng 2 years agao on two occassions, we have made the promise to ourselves that we are not going through the emotional rollercoaster again. This time we have to think of the possible implication that it will now have on Zarah too. It's emotionally draining and we need to be mindful that we have young child that will feed off the impact of this journey too.

Hannah's lessons to us!

Many may have read up on Hannah's story and all we see or know is that Hannah was barren and eventually bore a son Samuel. So we may see it as a lesson of faith and believe, but she can teach us so many other life lessons. 1.Her spiritual maturity 2.Her persistent prayering amidst her unanswered prayers for many years 3.Her believe that God would fulfill his promise 4.Her maturity in dealing with prideful and arrogant people In all the above Hannah proves to us that nothing is to big of a request to take to God in prayer.

My God can move mountains, how about yours?

Chaos in the world but peace in God!

WoW, so much going on right now in and around the world. With the new pandemic (COVID19) we have realized that materialism counts for nothing. We are all equal, no matter how big the house or flashy the car we have all been brought down to our knees at the mercy of this pandemic. We do however have a great God constantly fighting off every battle, disease, pandemic or any situation that might seem to weigh us down. I woke up this morning with an old time favorite song to many by Jimmy Swaggart (Jesus just a mention of your name) With that said many of us forget how great of a God we serve, an all powerfully and all knowing God, that just by mentioning His name we are healed, we are set free and we are redeemed. I want to encourage those reading this right now that amidst the possible chaos in your life or even in the word right now, just call on His name. There is power in His name that can break every chain of curse, infertility, illnesses, diseases, marriages falling apart, joblessness or even lawlessness. To many God might seem far and out of reach right now, but I want to urge you to simply call on Him, you just have to utter His name...God knows the heart without you even uttering anything else but you need to call on Him. May God in all your chaos bring peace, may you cry out to Him for he is the way the truth and the light. Stay safe, Stay home and keep healthy spiritually! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hq2MaI7lar4

You are worth more!

Because of you Lord!

Life has changed!

Been wanting to post for a while. But motherhood sure is a demanding task. Finding enough hours in the day to be an awesome employee, mom and wife and a pastors one at that is just about impossible. Most times I find myself wondering if Im making the gold star list for any. But then reminded that its ok to drop the ball at times, one could only do what is realistically possible. I am amazed how life has changed I am the same person who once longed for a toddler running around, toys all over and crazy little tantrums now living in the reality. Life has changed, the world now no longer only revolved around your needs only or adult time, one now have a small little person needing your utmost attention and time. Now guilt sets in for feeling overwhelmed and just wanting to be alone and have a full on lazy day. I still however wouldnt trade it for anything in the world. God has blessed us and he has granted us grace and strength in the most adverse times when you have no option but to be strong for those little eyes watching you!

WoW...Ages!

WoW, it's been ages since I updated my blog. Life as a working mom can become overwhelming to the extend that something's have to take a side step. Our little miracle will be turning 3 this year and she sure has turned out into a busy one. She has since started school and loving every minute of it. As we watch her go off to school everyday we suddenly realize just how fast time goes by. We also have the dawning realization that she is now no longer in what we deem as a "safety zone" she has to fend for herself and become reliant on total strangers. And that she could possibly be ready for a sibling. Her older brother Zachary and sister Zoe would have been 4 years old this year. Some might think we crazy but we have been entertaining the idea of trying this again (we just not there yet). I have since had my check up with my new doc and boy oh boy did we get a reality shock. We still believe and pray should we be of clear mind and peaceful hearts to start this journey all from over that God will remain faithful. That we will not believe the reports of doctors but the report of the Lord. Pregnancy will never come easy for me or us as a couple and there are loads of red tape and more cons than pro's but we serve a God of the impossible. We believe that if God sees it fit for us to have another miracle then he will see to the rest, we are also at peace should he not grant us the opportunity to become parents again that He knows what's best for us.

You were in my thoughts yesterday!

MOTHERS DAY!!! A dreaded day for many women yearning to become a mother. I have been there for many years and the heartache and pain at times get better but aches most on this special day to those not gifted with little angels. I am reminded by the verse that says weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. And that does not necessarily mean God will come through for you at this point in time but it does indicate that we may weep now or even for many years but joy will come and God will give you joy unspeakable. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. With this scripture you can see there will always be a time for the good and the bad. And we have to hold on to God's promise that the good will come. It's all in God's timing, we have to be patient we have to keep trusting that his timing will be the time that best suits us not when we think we are suited for the now. I came across the below picture and want to send the warmest hug and love via this platform today. I was reminded of the tears I use to shed on this day, the effort it took to put on this brave face in church and the constant gasp for air when I saw post on my Facebook feeds of pictures and posts of moms and all the love they received on the day. These verses kept me going during the time of my heartache, yearning and yes even those impatience and questioning times and I want you to hold on to these promises and be encouraged with: Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Psalm 119:50 My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. John 16:20 Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Psalm 27:13-14 I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Romans 8: 37-38 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Psalm 119:76 May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. Isaiah 61:1-2 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn Isaiah 66:13 As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem. Hebrews 13:5 I will never leave you or forsake you.

About the 22 April 2017!

Wow many of you would have read about my post on the 19th of July 2016 entitled "When strangers become friends" well I am pleased to say that John(Marlon) and Jane(Fredeline) Reid will soon be parents of Matthew their rainbow baby of many years of heartache and tears. I had the honor of sharing this special day at the Simonsvlei Wine Estate on Saturday 22nd of April 2017. The day was filled with tears and laughter but the tears were not that of sorrow but of unspeakable joy. Allow me to focus on my dear friend Fredeline....Fredeline jou tyd het aan gebreek en jy gaan die beste ma ooit wees...Matthew (my Jakalaas as I call him,hehehe) is not only a symbol of your promise from God after your storm but also the identity of your love for each other as a couple and determination to become parents...like I said there will be loads of advise but in the end you need to do what best works for you. With that said enjoy every moment of motherhood and its ok to feel overwhelmed at first its all part of the motherhood journey. Me time is also important and at first guilt will make you feel like me time is selfish but reality is us as mothers need recharging too. We, Dean and I as a couple will remain prayerful for the remaining of your term and you as a new parental couple. May Matthew James Reid bring you joy, laughter and a remembrance of God's gift to you. We, Dean and I love you guys and God surely ordained the day we crossed paths. And no doubt you are indeed a blessing to us too. Congratulations to both you and Marlon once again and your journey in life's fulfillment has just begun or will start within a few weeks :-)

It's been ages!

Life as a mom of a very active, busy and inquisitive 1.5 year old has been crazy but fun and even tears at times. Being a parent is a real tough job but I would not trade it for the world. I constantly think of those who are still yearning for their break through, their rainbow baby, their ray of sunshine. I look at Zarah and think wow we waited years for you and it sure was worth it. We at times don't understand why God allows for us to go through all those trials and heart ache when there are some moms who may at times seem undeserving to us. Well that was honestly how I felt of which hubby politely gave me a talking too along the lines of "God does not select parents on a selection criteria" with reference to the following scripture Matthew 5 vs 45 " that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust" my prayer is that you keep trusting God for your season. Keep holding that door for the Lord. Keep doing the small things in His presence and with a joyful and pure heart. As you do, delight in the fact that you are a virtuous woman in Christ.

Morning Prayer

That longing still aches!

On this day 18th of August 2014 we had to say our finally farewell to the 2 little angels. We have looked so forward to meeting them after waiting years for God to touch my womb. But our plans are not his, they are definitely not plans to harm so we just have to let God be God. I found myself shedding tears just thinking on how things went horribly wrong that day, and how Dean my loving husband must be feeling when the call was made for him to choose. We knew that the possibility was there but once you kind of hit the 3 month mark you think you home safe. Then you go for another month and another and think we got this in the bag...just short of 3 months still to go. But once again we do not hold our future he does, we never know what could happen in seconds, minutes, days, weeks and even months. So love with all your heart and never walk around thinking we will have tomorrow, that my friends is not guaranteed. Life is a very valuable asset and we should never take it or even our loved ones for granted. We might never have an opportunity to say sorry, we love you, you are forgiven or just a simple "well done". So as we go about our daily lives let's take time out to start sowing love and in return we will reap it, living life to the fullest and never taking it for granted. Happy still birthday Zachary and Zoe Cupido.

What a year!

So our princess turned one 2 weeks ago on the 5th of August 2016 and boy oh boy this has been an interesting, eventful and very educating year of parenthood. We had the joys of her first crawl, first steps, giggles and so much more but also had the not so joyous moments of teething and infections. Parenthood is one of those on the job trainings you go through one day at a time. There is no manual and no tertiary educations on becoming parents. You kind of take things as it comes and learn to use the tools that work for you as a family. We look at Zarah and think on how cute she is becoming as her own personality becomes more and more evident. And then we also look at her think how innocent and dependent they are on us for there basic survival. We thank God everyday for blessing us with Zarah that brings so much joy and laughter in our life. God has brought healing through Zarah but we will always remember that we had our fair amount of pain too. Zachary and Zoe Cupido is no doubt a great part of our family and we remind Zarah all the time that she has an older brother and sister in heaven of which she gives a broad smile of acknowledgement. We as a couple believe that God is still busy with our testimony our journey has not ended yet...the scripture that is instilled in our spirit will always be "To whom much is given much is required". And we have allowed God to take us through "Our Journey and Our Testimony" as he see fit.

When strangers become friends!

So we featured in an article as well as radio on our journey of infertility and child loss 2015. And from there we came into contact with people all over, in Cape Town out of Cape Town etc. I and us as a couple then started chatting to various couples and woman but to one lady in particular who reached out to me. We chat to quite a few couples and ladies that we have never met going through the same journey as us and simply being a support structure in their most vulnerable time of infertility and child loss. Myself and *Jane spoke/chatted for nearly a year on a daily bases and it was as if we have known each other since forever. Our hubby's then thought it would be an awesome surprise for us to hook up face to face. We were unaware of the plans, she thought they were having their usually group of friends over and I was under the impression that we were hooking up with our friends for pizza's. On the 10th of June 2016 we could finally put faces to physical bodies and name. We chatted for hours and have since developed a friendship as couples too, we simply picked up where we left off via chat and did it face to face. *John and *Jane we are amazed at how you interact with our princess Zarah and her warm response to you as a couple. Who would have thought that a "minion" at only 11.5 months to date could have brought us together as total strangers to now being friends. We have since met quite a few times and we always have fun hanging out with you guys. You are always in our prayers and we will always be there to support you in your journey. Here's to loads more years of friendship, fun, laughter and not forgetting loads of food :-)

PLEASE NOTE THE NAMES USED IN THE BLOG ARE NOT THE REAL NAMES OF THE COUPLE

Strong woman in Christ!

When things seem to fall apart!

Sitting at my desk this title crept into my spirit. I'm trusting that the person reading this right now will be encouraged uplifted. We as woman face many struggles and yes my blog is about infertility and child loss but that is but a few things we face in this world. To the person reading this right now...When difficult times come into our lives and we find ourselves unable to comprehend/to understand; the enemy is quick to throw doubts/questions into our minds. God has seen your tears and aching heart. He wants you to know that he is working things out for your good. James reminds us that God wants us to trust Him in the trials of life. ◦For as we trust Him in the trials God can use the difficult trial to mold us ◦To mature us ◦So that we will be more like Jesus Christ our Savior. Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” I remember when things just started falling apart during our infertility years and doubt with how big our God is overwhelmed me. The only thing that kept me going was faith in the fact that his word said even as small as a mustard seed. I found hope in the simple story of the 2 fish and 5 loaves. Humanly it seemed impossible but God fed 5 000. Showing that what looks impossible and overwhelming to us God can easily turn it around. He never said that our journey in life is easy he simply said trust and lean not onto your own understanding. May God give you peace in the storm, calm every unsettled heart...weeping may seem as if it is lasting forever but always remember joy will come in the morning.

All worth while!

Parenthood is definately not like playing house. The responsibilities are huge and everyday one needs to remind oneself it's all worth while. Looking at the little face realising they are so dependants on us the frustration they must feel not being able to verbally say what their need and wants are. My little 8th month is down with the flu this week, needless to say the already little sleep we had has now become non-existent. Once again seeing the daily struggle of her having a fever, blocked and runny nose made me realise how we as adults can barely manage a flu how about her. I thank God for blessing us with our beautiful princess daily and just to watch her grow day by day month by month all the sleepless nights, demanding need and huge responsibility resting on us are definately all worth while!

One month in!

So it's been a month since I have returned to the life of a working mom after being home for a year. I went in head first and have never looked back, I believe that tip toeing till you get into the swing of things just prolong the adaptation. Now honestly as any other working mom would confirm, it is not that easy. Your evening now consist of packing bags, setting clothes, cooking and over and above that finding time for yourself as well as catching up with your hubby all in the space of 3 to 4 hours. But once again we thrive on routine and it help heaps. Had lots of moms tell me that I would cry my eye balls out...which I didn't making me feel guilty all day on my first day back at work. But once again I strongly feel it's because our little princess is in the care of someone we know making it easier and have the reassurance that she is well cared for too. I do still have those days where I miss our 7month princess wanting to pack up at my desk and call it quits...however that smile melts ones heart in the evening when she comes through the door and is ever so priceless definitely recharging one for another day of work the next. Hats off to all moms who juggles work, family and manage to keep it all together :-)

Time sure does fly...and with time comes healing!

With just two weeks left of my year of being home before and after pregnancy I'm a bag of emotions. What started off as a very tense and paranoid journey of hospital visits, admissions and loads of meds has become nothing but an enjoyable and totally blessed experience. This whole journey of conceiving has been a life long change of how one view life and even just building a family after marriage. Every one has the dream of meeting the right partner, getting married and then starting a family. As easy as it sounds...to some of us/couples, myself/us inclusive the 3rd step to what comes naturally and easy to some couples was the most difficult one to accomplish. But we can truly say only through God's grace. The devil wanted us to loose all faith and forget about the task that was set out for us but we refuse to be victims but became victors. We have been shown over and over as to what our purpose for our journey is and we are ready to be ambassadors for other couples struggling through infertility and child loss. We had the experience of what is meant by the devil only being out to rob and destroy BUT we could also stand on God word that when the enemy comes in like a flood...the spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him. To all the couples still battling with infertility or even those still battling with child loss remember that God's plan is never to harm us...He only has good things in store for us and that in the end it will be worth the wait or even worth the sacrifice.

Christmas!

And so Christmas came and it's all over. We were blessed to be able to spend it around the table with our families. But like dad said before saying a prayer at lunch time, let's remember the real reason as well as those that have never had the experience of a full buffet table. The season is about Christ the fact that life was given only to be sacrificed for us. Yes we all get into this hype of getting gifts and having huge Christmas trees but ultermately the gift is Christ the tree is the stars which guided the wise men to baby Jesus. My prayer is that we will never get so carried away that we forget who and what it's really about.

You joined Zachary and Zoe!

Once again myself and hubby had confirmation as to why God has taken us through the journey of loosing our twins in the most horrific way. Dear friends of ours with our Goddaughter was in a serious car accident yesterday morning. My friend was pregnant due mid January. She sadly lost her son after a short while of being admitted to hospital. We were able to stay strong for them, I could look at baby Nahum and feel sadness but not because of my journey but for them as parents. We were able to give support as a couple who have travelled that journey of looking forward to little giggles baby smells etc. God gives us trials, heartache, pain and joy for a reason. He takes us through journeys that might not make sense at the time but we need to keep trusting God as he reveals reasons for our sad and painful journeys. RIP baby Nahum Joshua Stevens you were the most beautiful little boy...You, Zachary and Zoe are safe in the arms of Jesus.

Pray without ceasing!

Woman in the bible like us!

For a while now I always wanted to research woman in the bible that were where we are. Infertility and barrenness started way back in biblical times already. Once again proving that nothing we go through in this life on earth that was not covered in God's holy word...I have tried to put the in sequence from old to new testament...ACCEPT WOMAN NUMBER 9 1. Sarah and Abraham - (Genesis 16 - 18) After God's promise that they (then Abram and Sarai) will conceive a child they still waited many years before this prophecy came to fulfillment. Even though initially Abraham and Sarah laughed it off because of them being well into their age (90's) this prophecy would only eventually come into fulfillment when Sarah started believing and trusting in God as indicated in (Hebrew 11:11) 2. Abimelech's wife and female salves - (Genesis 20) Here we have Abimelech taking Sarah but eventually returning her repentantly after hearing the truth of her being Abrahams wife as appose to his sister. God then healed the infertility that plagued Abimelech's wife and the female slaves allowing them to once again bare children. As indicated in verse (17 - 18) God had temporarily sealed the wombs of all the females in Abimelech's household. 3. Rebekah and Isaac - (Genesis 25) Isaac prayed to God on behalf of his wife because she wasn't becoming pregnant of which she eventually conceived twin sons Jacob and Esau this after he pleaded to God for 20 years. Indicating once again that our timing is not God's timing our timing are half the time way off on what God's timing really is. 4. Rachel - (Genesis 30 - 35) Rachel married Jacob who also married her sister Leah, Leah went on to have 7 children where as Rachel was still battling to conceive, she complained alot of her inability to conceive and this angered Jacob. God eventually answered her desperate plea in prayer and she bore two sons. 5. Manoah's wife - (Judges 13) His wife after years of infertility gave birth to Samson. Her name is never mentioned but God appeared to her said that she will no longer walk around with a closed womb but will eventually conceive a son but she had to make one promise was that she would never shave his head. 6. Hannah and Elkanah - (1 Samuel 1 - 2) I have written on Hannah in a previous post on my blog and this remains one of the most powerful story in the bible. Her you have a woman in total humility. Even with all the rebukes and humiliation Hannah remained faithful in her prayer life and God saw this and showed her favor by conceiving Samuel as seen in (1 Samuel 1 v 27) 7. The Shunammite woman - (2 Kings 4) This woman also battled for years and was barren but her kindness and hospitality to Elisha would eventually bare a son one year later after his prophecy to her. 8. Elizabeth and Zecharias - (Luke 1) This was a couple who pleased God and of quite of age, but they still had problems with infertility. They eventually conceived John the forrunner for Christ. Now some of you might be reading this saying all of them conceived BUT I never ended up conceiving but as indicated in woman number 9 below, even you have a purpose...So many kids are orphaned and need good homes could this possibly be your purpose?? 9. Michal - (1 Samuel 6) King Sauls daughter which was also Davids first wife. As read this is unfortunately the only story that does not end in God granting a child. But even she had a purpose because she did not bear any children the ark was eventually returned to Israel. Looking at all these stories we see that there was a purpose for God closing wombs. The timing needed to be right...when the sons of the above woman 1 - 8 were born they all had a purpose at that point in time. Had God made the woman conceive any other time they would not be able to for fill their calling as God timed it. So you might be reading thinking but to me the timing is right, well to God his plan and timing yet. God only has our best interest at heart.