One month in!

So it's been a month since I have returned to the life of a working mom after being home for a year. I went in head first and have never looked back, I believe that tip toeing till you get into the swing of things just prolong the adaptation. Now honestly as any other working mom would confirm, it is not that easy. Your evening now consist of packing bags, setting clothes, cooking and over and above that finding time for yourself as well as catching up with your hubby all in the space of 3 to 4 hours. But once again we thrive on routine and it help heaps. Had lots of moms tell me that I would cry my eye balls out...which I didn't making me feel guilty all day on my first day back at work. But once again I strongly feel it's because our little princess is in the care of someone we know making it easier and have the reassurance that she is well cared for too. I do still have those days where I miss our 7month princess wanting to pack up at my desk and call it quits...however that smile melts ones heart in the evening when she comes through the door and is ever so priceless definitely recharging one for another day of work the next. Hats off to all moms who juggles work, family and manage to keep it all together :-)

Time sure does fly...and with time comes healing!

With just two weeks left of my year of being home before and after pregnancy I'm a bag of emotions. What started off as a very tense and paranoid journey of hospital visits, admissions and loads of meds has become nothing but an enjoyable and totally blessed experience. This whole journey of conceiving has been a life long change of how one view life and even just building a family after marriage. Every one has the dream of meeting the right partner, getting married and then starting a family. As easy as it sounds...to some of us/couples, myself/us inclusive the 3rd step to what comes naturally and easy to some couples was the most difficult one to accomplish. But we can truly say only through God's grace. The devil wanted us to loose all faith and forget about the task that was set out for us but we refuse to be victims but became victors. We have been shown over and over as to what our purpose for our journey is and we are ready to be ambassadors for other couples struggling through infertility and child loss. We had the experience of what is meant by the devil only being out to rob and destroy BUT we could also stand on God word that when the enemy comes in like a flood...the spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him. To all the couples still battling with infertility or even those still battling with child loss remember that God's plan is never to harm us...He only has good things in store for us and that in the end it will be worth the wait or even worth the sacrifice.

Christmas!

And so Christmas came and it's all over. We were blessed to be able to spend it around the table with our families. But like dad said before saying a prayer at lunch time, let's remember the real reason as well as those that have never had the experience of a full buffet table. The season is about Christ the fact that life was given only to be sacrificed for us. Yes we all get into this hype of getting gifts and having huge Christmas trees but ultermately the gift is Christ the tree is the stars which guided the wise men to baby Jesus. My prayer is that we will never get so carried away that we forget who and what it's really about.

You joined Zachary and Zoe!

Once again myself and hubby had confirmation as to why God has taken us through the journey of loosing our twins in the most horrific way. Dear friends of ours with our Goddaughter was in a serious car accident yesterday morning. My friend was pregnant due mid January. She sadly lost her son after a short while of being admitted to hospital. We were able to stay strong for them, I could look at baby Nahum and feel sadness but not because of my journey but for them as parents. We were able to give support as a couple who have travelled that journey of looking forward to little giggles baby smells etc. God gives us trials, heartache, pain and joy for a reason. He takes us through journeys that might not make sense at the time but we need to keep trusting God as he reveals reasons for our sad and painful journeys. RIP baby Nahum Joshua Stevens you were the most beautiful little boy...You, Zachary and Zoe are safe in the arms of Jesus.

Pray without ceasing!

Woman in the bible like us!

For a while now I always wanted to research woman in the bible that were where we are. Infertility and barrenness started way back in biblical times already. Once again proving that nothing we go through in this life on earth that was not covered in God's holy word...I have tried to put the in sequence from old to new testament...ACCEPT WOMAN NUMBER 9 1. Sarah and Abraham - (Genesis 16 - 18) After God's promise that they (then Abram and Sarai) will conceive a child they still waited many years before this prophecy came to fulfillment. Even though initially Abraham and Sarah laughed it off because of them being well into their age (90's) this prophecy would only eventually come into fulfillment when Sarah started believing and trusting in God as indicated in (Hebrew 11:11) 2. Abimelech's wife and female salves - (Genesis 20) Here we have Abimelech taking Sarah but eventually returning her repentantly after hearing the truth of her being Abrahams wife as appose to his sister. God then healed the infertility that plagued Abimelech's wife and the female slaves allowing them to once again bare children. As indicated in verse (17 - 18) God had temporarily sealed the wombs of all the females in Abimelech's household. 3. Rebekah and Isaac - (Genesis 25) Isaac prayed to God on behalf of his wife because she wasn't becoming pregnant of which she eventually conceived twin sons Jacob and Esau this after he pleaded to God for 20 years. Indicating once again that our timing is not God's timing our timing are half the time way off on what God's timing really is. 4. Rachel - (Genesis 30 - 35) Rachel married Jacob who also married her sister Leah, Leah went on to have 7 children where as Rachel was still battling to conceive, she complained alot of her inability to conceive and this angered Jacob. God eventually answered her desperate plea in prayer and she bore two sons. 5. Manoah's wife - (Judges 13) His wife after years of infertility gave birth to Samson. Her name is never mentioned but God appeared to her said that she will no longer walk around with a closed womb but will eventually conceive a son but she had to make one promise was that she would never shave his head. 6. Hannah and Elkanah - (1 Samuel 1 - 2) I have written on Hannah in a previous post on my blog and this remains one of the most powerful story in the bible. Her you have a woman in total humility. Even with all the rebukes and humiliation Hannah remained faithful in her prayer life and God saw this and showed her favor by conceiving Samuel as seen in (1 Samuel 1 v 27) 7. The Shunammite woman - (2 Kings 4) This woman also battled for years and was barren but her kindness and hospitality to Elisha would eventually bare a son one year later after his prophecy to her. 8. Elizabeth and Zecharias - (Luke 1) This was a couple who pleased God and of quite of age, but they still had problems with infertility. They eventually conceived John the forrunner for Christ. Now some of you might be reading this saying all of them conceived BUT I never ended up conceiving but as indicated in woman number 9 below, even you have a purpose...So many kids are orphaned and need good homes could this possibly be your purpose?? 9. Michal - (1 Samuel 6) King Sauls daughter which was also Davids first wife. As read this is unfortunately the only story that does not end in God granting a child. But even she had a purpose because she did not bear any children the ark was eventually returned to Israel. Looking at all these stories we see that there was a purpose for God closing wombs. The timing needed to be right...when the sons of the above woman 1 - 8 were born they all had a purpose at that point in time. Had God made the woman conceive any other time they would not be able to for fill their calling as God timed it. So you might be reading thinking but to me the timing is right, well to God his plan and timing yet. God only has our best interest at heart.

Motherhood!

Boy oh Boy...what an experience, one has always heard other mothers say loads of things but until you in those motherhood shoes will you only fully understand. Motherhood has its fare share of sleepless nights, baskets of laundry, skipping meals or most of the time not even finishing it, basically being on call 24 7 etc. But it sure ain't something I would trade. For women like me the value of eventually conceiving is far greater than the list above. Zarah has brought so much joy filling our silent home with baby chit chat, smells, cries basically any indication that we now have a new addition to the family. I want to remind you out their what God has done for me he can do for you. He can bring healing after a loss of a child he can open closed or barron wombs our God simply has the ability to do the impossible.

The day we thought would never happen!

So Wednesday the 5th of August 2015 was the day our little princess decided to make her arrival into this world... the 18th which was my due date sure didn't suit her lol. Just years back we could have never imagined that this day would arrive. But our faith and trust in God who gives life and takes it was our strongest weapon to proving the impossible. All those months of bed rest unable to work, walking on egg shells,  stuck in traffic for 2 hours while in labour with contractions 5min apart fearing the Shirodkar Stitch won't hold and tear my cervix apart, ending up with an emergency Csection 25 stitches later was all worth while. Hearing that cry Zarah gave at birth weighing in at only 2.7kg was the most memorable sound ever, we can not help but constantly look at her with so much joy and happiness. We can only give God all the praise for this blessing, he decided this will be a term baby healthy as ever. I couldn't sleep the first night watching her sleep was the most priceless moment for me. It was so unreal I needed to pinch myself just to make sure it's really our little bundle of joy that finally entered the world.

Still in awe of God's grace!

Wow, so this week has finally arrived. A week we would have never thought possible just short of exactly a year ago we had the most life changing experience for the worse. But our God has been gracious and here we are nearly a year later with a life changing experience on it's way for the better. We dreaded this week to come because all we thought of was the sorrow and grief we would feel. Myself and hubby discussed our new journey just yesterday and on how we don't know what God sets before us all we have to do is trust that he knows what's best. Next week this time our quiet home will be filled with giggles baby cries and so much joy. Getting to this point, the frustration of being stuck to a bed and even within the four walls of our home this pass couple of months seem all worth while. We have had the opportunities to touch so many lives and encourage others to believe have faith and trust in the God that is all powerful and all knowing. We have also been blessed to have the opportunity to be approached by two magazines who want to share our story to the world. So watch the space for Mamas and Papas Magazine September issue hitting the shelves 17 August 2015. The other magazine will do the post pregnancy article so watch the space for updates :-)

Excited to see our little princess in just over a weeks time!

All things are possible!

After 5 years of planning and attending everyone else’s baby shower I finally on the 11th of July 2015 got to experience my very own. Standing there looking at the 100 ladies who all came even though they themselves were unaware I was pregnant until they received their invites, was indeed a great honor and privilege celebrating the most joyous and memorable day in my life. I could truly say that if it was not for the grace of God I would not have gotten this opportunity to experience the special occasion. Those who follow my blog will know the road has not been easy for myself, hubby Dean and our families, and it has been a 5year journey consisting of tears, heartache, many disappointments as well as temporary joy. But we remained faithful and true to the promise of God. In March 2014 I fell pregnant with our twin girl and boy. We were over whelmed with joy and excitement as our breakthrough has finally come, but after a long fight to keep them inside of me on the 18 August 2014 at 6 months I gave still birth to our forever angels Zachary and Zoe, they will always be a part of our lives and in our hearts till the day we meet them again. Myself and Dean always say we can go on to have a 1000 children we will always have two little Cupido’s missing in our family. Through all the heartache and pain we yet again had to focus on God’s grace and mercy and not on our loss, for he truly saved my life during that time. As many of you may know on the 18th of August I nearly didn’t live to see another day. But after all the heartache and pain we had to pick up the broken pieces and move forward, we stayed focused and found our purpose in all this, and that was to be the shining hope to so many that we have since come into contact with. Who would have known God was preparing us for what is ahead, though the future was unknown to us we had to put our faith in God, for a purpose and time I have yet to experience. Like the scripture says “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. In December 2014 I found out I was pregnant and there’s a blessing on the way after going through a storm. However it was yet again not smooth sailing but I knew God has prepared us and the battle is His and victory is ours. Hence the privacy this time around as appose to going viral with the twins. At our 5/6weeks check-up they could find no trace of a fetus and my HCG was exceptionally low, I was advise this could possibly be a tubal pregnancy, with that the doctor said not to get our hopes up as this child won’t survive. After 2 blood test and ultrasounds we finally had confirmation that all was well, there was our little miracle with the strongest heart beat ever. And so the pregnancy progressed but with each millstone reached I was faced with an obstacle to overcome. At 13/14 weeks I was booked in for an Shirodkar cerclage to be placed as a preventative measure to keep my cervix closed and carry full term, the morning of the scheduled op I woke up ill with the bronchitis making them unable to do to do the operation, the hour procedure was reschedule for the following week. I spend weeks in hospital finally being discharged on strict bed rest unable to work…so yes I have been stuck to a bed since Feb 2015 but it’s all worthwhile. Since then of which I have been admitted into hospital 3 to 4 times to date. Once I hit the 25week mark I suddenly felt some discomfort and shortness of breath eventually passing out with no fetal movement or heartbeat. Doctor’s assessments then revealed that princess Zarah was laying on a major blood vessel depriving and restricting the blood supply to my heart cutting the oxygen supply to her as well. A rush of emotions and fear hit me but I was willing to give the best fight I’ve ever given since the twins. For the word says "If you have faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to the mountain be moved and it shall be done” And with this I put my faith into practice and believe in a miracle working God, they manage to get the baby to move off the blood vessel and after a week of observation I was discharged still stuck to a bed for the rest of my pregnancy. So here I am at 8 months in the home stretch still in awe of God’s grace and mercy. My encouragement to those reading my blog once again is that we need only to trust in God that all things will work out for our good. We simply have to seek first the kingdom of God and all else will follow…DON’T GIVE UP!

Rainbow after loosing a child!

God knew that there is something inside each of us that tries to keep us from doing what is right. That is what causes all the trouble in the world. God also knew that one day he would send his Son to save us from that. God saved Noah and his family to show us that he has the power to save us all, and one day bring us to a new life with him in heaven.So God blessed Noah and his family. He told them to have many children and fill the earth with people again. He gave them the plants and the animals for food. And he made people the boss of everything on earth (Think of it this way. You might have a pet dog or a cat. There aren’t any dogs who have pet people!).And then God said to Noah, "Look up in the sky."Noah looked up. The storm clouds were drifting away, the bright sun was shining against Noah's back. And against the dark grey sky, God made a brilliant rainbow appear. God said to Noah,
“You see, I have set my rainbow in the sky. This will be the sign of the covenant I have made with you and all creatures, never again to destroy the earth by a flood. It will always remind us of the promise between you and me.”So, the next time you see a rainbow, think of Noah and the flood. Remember that God loves you, and that no matter how bad the storm, there will always come a bright new day.That is God's promise, and God always keeps his promises he will give you a child once again bringing nothing but brightness in your life!

It is well with my soul!

Woke up this time of the morning...1.23am to be exact,  with the well known hymn ''It is well with my soul'' trying to ponder on why exactly I woke up in the wee hours of the morning with this specific hymn, I went back on where and why the hymn was written.  The short version of the story is about a successful lawyer who started loosing everything...He owned quite a bit of property which was destroyed in the Chicago Fire, the market also took a dip causing a financial strain. While attending to business at home his family was in a ship wreck where he lost all four his daughters, his wife survived and they later had 3 more kids of which one again died of an illness. Now you may want to know what's your point or what exactly I got out of this story. The focus point of all this is that he wrote this song at the most vulnerable time in his life. He also wrote this song not knowing that he would once again suffer another loss of his child. I then also realised that's how God works. He brings out the best and ones strength is shown when we hit rock bottom. He gave him peace writing this song beforehand (between loosing his daughters and then son) preparing him for what was to come without realising it. Through all his heartache he remained positive and continued to allow God to be God even though his life came crashing down at a rapid pace. We too suffered a heartbreaking loss, but one day while sitting in my lounge alone at home after our loss of the twins I decided to let go and say it will be well with my soul, God in return granted so much favor and blessing in my life. Today if you are reading this I would like to encourage you no matter your lot, God will show grace and mercy but we need to accept that amidst this ''It will be well with our soul''

Am I subconsciously still raw?

WoW!! So Mothers Day was yesterday and it would have been my first mother's day. I was totally ok and felt ready for the day, but I woke up with so much emotion that even hubby was unsure of what was going on...it was just that I had the realisation or reality set in that I'm missing out on another special day that defines a woman (motherhood). I sat in church with everyone wishing for mothers day and I just cried my eye balls out. It was a real tough day but I had to be reminded that our journey in life and in the spiritual walk of life nothing was meant to come easy. How are we moulded into who we are how strong we are or can be if we go through life smooth sailing. I always say I can go on to have a 1000 kids there will always be that longing to have my twins Zachary and Zoe with me too...

His still God!

Sometimes in life things happen when least expected, at times for the better other times for the worst. But amidst either one of those times we need to remain steadfast in the fact that God is God and that his grace is sufficient.  We as humans tend to stress and worry about the last little thing, want to control events in our own lives but that was never how life was intended by God. His word says I know the plans I have for you plan of good and no harm, yet we doubt that that's how he meant it when things go wrong. At this current point in our lives as a couple we can either embrace the challenge and become overcomers or we can simple turn on God with questions bearing in mind that he has the ultermate choice to answer or not. God has brought us thus far and we know that he will carry us through. He never promised us a smooth road but did make the promise that he will never leave us nor forsake us and that it will sure be all worth the journey of unspeakable joy in the end!

So much to share but just not right now!

I know I have been very quiet but things have really been happening fast. And just trying to keep up with all that is going on. Listening to hubby Pastor Dean sermon this morning I was again reminded and would like to encourage you, that God is a true and just God. We at times so quick to blame the devil but have we ever considered that it could be God showing love,mercy and grace by refining or re-aligning us to where we need to be and where we drifted from. So let's make God proud and show him that we will remain faithful and trust him in any circumstances we might find ourselves in... 

Nutshell of 2014...bring on 2015!

Where do I start??? 2014 started off with a positive note we started our ministry and a month later we conceived our twins Zachary and Zoe, how ironic that their names are so fitting to the journey we had as a couple....Zachary means remembered by God and Zoe means life. God remembered us as a couple and we conceived even if after 4.5 years Zoe means life and God gave life to my dead womb as doctors had already given up hope. I then lost them at 6 months but once again their names confirmed that God will always remember us and he will give life to my womb again and we will have more kids. 2014 was also a year of testing in more ways than one, testing of true friendship we realized that there are those only out there to have a one sided friendships and saw us as rain umbrella's only being used for rainy days but never there for you, testing of our faith as a couple where we had to still rely on God amidst our heartache and pain we had to keep the faith, testing of strength when the worst possible thing happens in one’s life. It was also a year of strengthening, strengthening friendship we soon realized that we have and there is good people out there that expect nothing from you but simply want to be there for you as well as those who saw friendship as a two way street, strengthening of our faith this was a testing time where God needed us to accept his will and plan for our children as well as our lives, strengthening of family ties and bonds we have become a more solid unit as family and once again we as a couple realized just how blessed we are to have such a supporting family. We believe that through this struggle of 2014 God also revealed and confirmed many things to us. So bring on 2015 we are ready for you and going through this year much stronger.

Still so raw!

I did not realize how raw I still am until now, I have been around babies etc. and had never experience some kind of panic attack as I did this morning. I thought it would be easier going to my friends husband's baby shower at work with him being male than what it would have been with hers. But the minute I stepped into that room I just could not breath seeing all those baby décor, little gift etc. it dawned on me that I am back to being a mother with empty arms and womb. It is exactly 4 days to when my due date would have been and I'm am overwhelmed with anxiety and mixed emotions. It really hurts and yes I'm ok at times but there are moments that the emptiness is just so overwhelming my eyes tear up. But I pray for strength during this period where our lives could have been so much different with two little angels on earth. RIP Zachary and Zoe mommy and daddy will never forget you!

Anytime from now!

Where do I start? This month is becoming more unbearable not because we not coping but because we could have been proud parent anytime from now. I still cant believe something that we have longed for all these years is no longer there. How do we celebrate Christmas when we would have been a family of 4 at Christmas. I feel I can cry my eye balls out but that is not going to bring our kids back. I cant explain this intense aching feeling I have that just wont go away. We try and remain positive but as stated previously its not that we not coping it's the anytime from now feeling. I walk around with a smile on the outside but if you could only see my inside, you would grasp my pain and heartache. Empty arms sure is a heavy load to carry, and even heavier when you had two little angels missing when you being wheeled out the hospital door with no babies watching everyone else leaving with theirs. I read a status from yearning hearts and it got me agreeing fully the whole facebook has now all of a sudden lit up with baby talks all over, at times I honestly feel some are just out their to rub it in ones face. But we can only remain to trust in God that he knew why and that it might not be the right time just yet.

"Do you know dad's hurt too?"

It's drawing closer and closer and my heart become heavier and heavier. In just a month they would have been born healthy as any other twin boy and girl. I find myself looking on at others who are giving birth around my time and it sure does hurt. I'm not angry or have any hatred on how God has set out our lives as a couple. I chose to be strong in this journey of kids in heaven and not on earth...but one still have that longing. My concerns are more based on how long I will wait this time around, and no I do not have a lack of faith I'm only human and I do ponder. Myself and hubby had a conversation over the weekend while catching up on our week past, he then suddenly blurts out "Do you know dad's hurt too?" My heart sunk as a rush of guilt overwhelmed me, was I being strong enough to allow him to have his grieving moments? I never realized that even underneath his great sense of faith, trusting and believing in God's promised word, that he might be feeling just as I do. But need to constantly show me his strength as a husband. I have been strong but his love for me runs so deep that even though I show him my strength he still cant let his guard down just incase. I thank God for a husband that has been so patient throughout this journey of infertility and twin loss, "We in this together" is his constant reminder to me and I find great comfort in those words.This brings me to the overwhelming joy that he would have been and will be a great DAD.

 

Value of Life!

Our experience through out our married life as a couple has really taught us the value of life. We have come to realize after battling to conceive for many years, then finally conceiving to loosing the twins when we were so close to full term that life is precious. That we need to really appreciate what we have in life and every minute that God has granted us grace. We can all be here today and gone tomorrow, life is just not guaranteed. We need to stop walking around with resentment, issues, heavy hearted and just appreciate and let the small things go. We need to move on and let life take it course, we need to set people free and carry on doing good. The list goes on and on about how we need to be living each day as if it's our last. We also need to appreciate those awesome people we have in our life, those that give us a helping hand those that allow us to be a part of their lives. Life is to short for regrets, you only have one life so make it worth viewing for others looking on.

Martha Munizzi - What he's done

If you feeling today that all hope is lost, I want to tell you that God has this amazing love for us. That no matter what doctors are saying no matter how impossible your circumstance may seem I want to tell you that what his done for me he can do for you. Doctors said I would never conceive but God said nope that is not your call to make. I eventually conceived as written in my blog and yes I have since lost Zachary and Zoe at 6 months but God has even allowed me peace that passes all understanding and he can do the same for you. He can calm every storm in your life today if you only allow him that opportunity to show that amazing love!
 

National Pregnancy/Infant Loss!

So today marks NATIONAL awareness day for  those who has had stillborn, miscarriage and even infant child loss. I have so much mixed emotions on how to feel thinking that we would have just had one month to go before we could have met you Zachary and Zoe without any health complications. But God knew what's best and as many unanswered questions that we might have we need to remain faithful and strong in knowing he know the plans he have for us, plans of no harm but of prosperity. I want to encourage those reading my blog today that even if you might be feeling there is no light at the end of the tunnel and you feel God has left you behind. He is preparing something better and a bigger blessing for you. I would like to encourage you with the story of Hannah, she was a woman in the bible who was childless but not prayerless. Her name means grace/favor and was also one of the few woman in the bible who haven't been negatively portrayed...just to briefly share her back ground. She was married to a husband who chose another wife due to her baroness, but he still showed favor to her blessing her more than his wife that gave him the thing he wanted the most. With this said God does not take his favor away from us but he does allow us pain and suffering, in his word it says to whom much is give much is required. Hannah prayed and cried all the time and amidst her yearning, mocking from her husbands second wife she remained self controlled and had a unconditional prayer life. Hannah was so deep in sorrow she stopped eating, and was at the temple praying for most of the time, but let me encourage you that todays sorrow is the seeds of which tomorrows song will evolve. Eventually Hannah did conceive a son name Samuel and Hannah was restored. So no matter how gloomy things might look right now in your life, be like a Hannah that no matter what she went through her prayer life was not hindered and God deemed her faithful and she bore a son.

First few days!

So my first day back was kind of ok...after I burst out in tears as I set foot into the office building. All i could think of was the last time I left this building I never came back not feeling well and not realising I was actually in pre term labour. So yes it was overwhelming at first but I thank God for good friends and a great boss. I arrived with a welcome goodie bag of treats from a friend as well as another taking me to breakfast amongst the other family and friends who all mailed called tx to find out how my day was going and just giving words of encouragement. My great boss allowed me to ease into things working at my own time and pace up to and including this week. So things have become a bit better each day. I must however admit I sit at my desk most of the time to scared to even use the bathroom in fear of bumping into people with loads of questions and not forgetting those who are walking around with their visible preggie bellies. But I'm building courage each day as I become bolder and more stronger emotionally and physically. I am however for some reason having a super off day but once again great friends family and those I work with are with me every step of the way. Myself and hubby thank God daily for those people who are with us every step of they way with most if not all being with us from the very beginning of our pregnancy throughout and are still around! 

Back to normality!

So in just a day I will be back at work. The thought of normality is comforting as this would have my mind stop wondering what If's and if only 's. However there are quit a bit of uneasy or rather anxious feelings, knowing I will be walking into an office full of pregnant ladies one being round about the same where I would or should have been. I also don't have the energy and strength for talks.All I want is to get to my desk and stick those earphones in! But what are the chances some people are just not going to have the sense of maturity and realise all I need is space. Or they will simply feel offended when I don't respond or keep small talk about my hellish experience. I pray for strength and boldness to get back to work with peace that shows on my face as well as in my heart.